Ooh-Up In The Air-Why "Hooking Up" As A Lifestyle Does Not Work!

Last night I watched Up In The Air with the suave George Clooney, a uniquely beautiful Vera Farmiga and amazing Anna Kendrick.  All were great.  It was a pretty good movie.  I didn't think it was about love or a love story, but more a story about a man who finally begins to grow up a little and appreciate relationships in his life.

Well, George Clooney is kind of funny as usual. It is just his style. The movie is an interesting glimpse into what is to me-an alien lifestyle, of someone who loves a life of air travel, hotels and casual relationships. (Personally, I hate hotel rooms. No matter how nice, I just look at them and remember how impersonal they are. Everything in the room is very frequently used by other people, the spreads are seldom washed and the beds and pillows are seldom comfortable. Then, the sheets are seldom attractive or comfortable like the ones at home. I can't believe anyone really likes that).

Oh well, I have lived long enough and through enough (remember free love?), to think that just "hooking up" is never going to be enough.  Handing out pieces of yourself like a plate of eggs, has no redeeming value at all.  This is what the movie is about.  People have feelings and the need to relate whether they want to admit it or not and maybe they can dehumanize themselves enough (reminds me of what drug addicts and gangs seem to become) to go a long time with only casual relationships but eventually they want something more.  If not, then it seems that they must shut off their emotions and conscience to such a degree that they are not really living.  That is why I cringe when people suggest that all that people want anymore is to hook up.  Ugh!

Now, that is not to say that those of us who find casual sex dehumanizing, are fully feeling human beings!  Far from it!  I suspect that I and many of the people I have known, tend to avoid feeling too much and have made such a habit of it that we don't even know it.  We avoid confrontation, avoid openly discussing issues in our relationships or doing anything that might rock the boat or make us work at relating or cause us to experience an unpleasant moment.  And, I like it that way.  Even so, I can see how that is letting FEAR of whatever, rule your life and I know that is not good.  I intend to try to maintain my comfort level as I slowly work at understanding that side of myself!  (Let's not go crazy)!

Back to Up In The Air.  I liked it.  Kinda question the oscar nominations, but, it was interesting and the actors were amazing.  Thank God everyone has a heart in the end!

Be brave-let yourself feel.  I like the idea of welcoming all feeling, good or bad and appreciating the joy of life.  Of course, that only works when the bad feelings aren't "too" bad!

It's Complicated!

Hilarious! I love this movie! Could be because I can so relate, being a babyboomer who has been through many of the same experiences. I plan to buy the dvd as soon as it comes out. Check out the video clip on my sidebar or custom video player, where Steve Martin picks up Meryl Streep for their date and she has had one hit off the joint her ex left for her, expecting she would try it when he was around, not when she was with someone else! The rest is hilarious, especially in the context of the whole movie. All the actors were so perfect in their parts! Love Harley! So funny.

As I type I am listening to the song, Good Thing, by the Fine Young Cannibals, which was the so perfect song playing at the party when Meryl and Steve are laughing and having so much fun and Alec Baldwin, the ex, is standing across the room getting more jealous by the second (Good Thing, where have you gone?). Can't get enough of that song!

Well, this movie also mimics real life, in my experience. Who hasn't made the mistake of getting involved with an ex again? Sure, there is some residual feeling there from all you have been through together and that heavy connection that comes from knowing someone on a very close, familial level. But, in my experience, the reasons you split just pop back up and remind you why you couldn't stay together before.

It can be intense, exhilarating, heart-stopping fun while it lasts, but a painful break up all over again. All I can say is, life is a confusing, complex affair. Just enjoy it, try not to hurt others and hang on for the ride!

The Ugly Truth

Just watched The Ugly Truth again and laughed almost as hard as I did in the theater. That is the dream we probably all want-- to find that love that is not ugly after all. Skeptical as I am, I still believe. Somewhere, somehow, there must be real, true love that is not just based on selfish needs. Let's hope. Check out the super sexy dance scene in my custom video player above. Wow. Makes one yearn for that kind of man who is like Gerard Butler in this scene-so much a "real" man, the kind that requires no talking, you just relate as a man and a woman and all you need to know is understood through that magical knowing that is clear in your eyes and the way your bodies move together. 

Unfortunately, a lot of magical moments made when our inhibitions are loosened by alcohol or whatever, may seem like that kind of connection, but are not the real deal, if indeed, it does exist!  Dancing seems to be the best way to experience that.  I have experienced some of those moments when dancing, where my partner leads so well that you easily glide on air as one on the dance floor, (or in bed), or when you and someone else are involved in completing some task that does not involve talking.  Something happens when we switch to that level of communication where speech is not needed.  It must be some special frequency in our brains that has a surreal, magical feel where time stands still.  No wonder we feel a strong connection when we experience that with someone.  It is amazing how you just know what each of you is feeling during one of those moments.  It is very appealing and I suspect it could be very nice to live in a world where the dance of romance did not involve any speech!

Probably goes back to that idea of wanting a "take charge" man, or a "strong" man, a man who will lead.  It is so appealing to imagine a man like that, but, of course, we would want him to be that way while respecting us!.  Good luck on that one!

Lost in Austen - YUM!

 What fun!  Check out the sexy Elliot Cowan as the romantic Mr. Darcy from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice, in this movie about a modern girl who time travels into the novel, trading places with the character, Elizabeth Bennett.  Wouldn't it be nice if all men wore the hair and costumes of Mr. Darcy at least one day a year!  Gorgeous!  More later.
 Meanwhile, check out this video in my custom video player at the top of the page or at the link below to see the most romantic scenes from this movie!  Yum!
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcYmXrRSGmk

Valentine's Day!

 Valentine's Day was a cute movie that showed several types of romantic relationships.  Like, the main stars, Ashton Kutcher and Jennifer Garner realizing they really loved their best friends, each other.  And, the parallel stories of a young couple and the older couple who both discover hurtful secrets in each of their relationships and then come to the realization that love means accepting the bad with the good.  I like that lesson.  Let's us all off the hook!  It is a good concept for us to use with ourselves, too.  We tend to "accumulate" guilt about mistakes we make, bad decisions, wrong roads taken, etc. and we feel worse and worse as we realize more and more that we have screwed up.  It is not good for us to beat up on ourselves and as hard as it is, we need to accept the bad with the good and love ourselves, and everyone else, anyway.  I feel better already!   There is really no other way to get over the things you cannot change that pull you down, but, to accept that we make mistakes and we just have to learn our lessons and move on.  Each day is a new day.   Try drawing a picture to represent your mistakes, negative thoughts, or whatever holds you back, then erase it, white it out, or throw it away and imagine you are starting fresh.  Have positive thoughts and outlook, smile and embrace the joy of the day!  Be Happy!

Enchanted and other Fairy Tales

 I LOVE the movie Enchanted and I know I am not the only woman who does.  It seems to appeal to many  women for some reason.  I watched it again today, crying through the last half and loving the sweet fairy tale ending.  I really thought I was way beyond liking fairy tales, but apparently not.  I love anything that applies the most idealistic, anything-is-possible kind of attitude to everyday life  and ordinary people because I have always believed ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.  I think it comes with being a babyboomer.  The fifties kind of instilled that idealism in most of us and then, coming of age during the 60's and 70's and being a hippie, a freak, believing in the highest ideals, that idealistic nature became a dominating characteristic for me.  As an example, I used to pick up anyone hitchhiking, one time even giving a man my only dollar.  Coulda been killed!  Won't go into some of those wild stories, but, it kind of stays with you, or at least it did with me, that desire to spread the love and see the best in people if you can and never settle.   I have seen that kind of idealism still evident in many babyboomers. 

Enchanted is what we idealistic freaks want to believe-that everyone is really good, deserving of happiness, (except the evil queen!)  and good conquers all!  True love exists!  The sweet heroine convinces everyone she meets to believe in love and happiness, ever-after, in spite of their real-world cynicism, as she dances and sings about true love, spreading joy wherever she goes.   You find yourself hoping she can prove that life really can be that joyful and happy if we just CHOOSE to believe in it.  And Patrick Dempsey's girlfriend is happy to go to the fairy tale land of Andalasia because even though she has pretended to be practical about love while she was dating Patrick, under it all, she is really a deep romantic (like most of us?) who is impressed by the way the fairy tale prince knows his heart and wants to commit to her forever!  Who wouldn't want to know you are really loved without reservation.  This movie makes me cry and I wonder if it is for the sweet sentiment of it or for the fairy tale ending not evident in real life.  In any case I am ready to watch it again!  You can watch the dance at the ball where she realizes who her true love really is or, the movie trailer on the video player above.  Amy Adams conveys all the love and emotion she feels for Patrick Dempsey as she gazes into his eyes as they dance.  I watch it over and over!

It's All Good-

I am amazed at the wisdom of some people. The other day, I was in a convenience store and a young girl I remember from when I was a substitute teacher, was working behind the counter. I think she struggled a little with school, but, now all grown up, seemed quite competent and confidant.  On this day, I felt I was holding up the line a little and being the worry wart (as my grandma always called me) that I am, I said, "Oh, that man is holding ice (and having to wait in line) and she said something like, "don't worry, it's all good." I know a lot of young people say that now, but I still love the all-encompassing wisdom of that philosophy! In a good moment, I really do feel that is true. All life experiences, good or bad, are going toward our growth and wisdom. She has turned into such a sweet, serene and wise young woman. Never judge. I notice a lot of students I taught who had difficulties with learning are now quite capable, young adults. All is possible, the past never locks you in to a certain future.  In metaphysics, it is my favorite philosophy.  I can really believe that all things contribute to our growth and expansion of spirit.  It is the same as saying, "It is grist for the mill."  Which just means all experiences help make up the total person that you are.  Of course, we all notice at some time in our life how the unpleasant experiences make us embrace the pleasant experiences with increased joy and appreciation.  For me, being in the hospital a week two years ago, gave me a renewed love of everything outdoors; green grass in the sunshine, the breeze blowing and lifting your hair, the sun beating down on your face.  Anna, an amazing woman I once worked with, who never encountered a task she would not tackle and complete, would say of the snow and rain her kids had to deal with while delivering papers, "builds character!"  Some of us might get a little bent along the way, but it does build character!

As all types of experiences offer opportunities for growth, so do all relationships.  When it comes to love and the concept of soul mates, I believe all connections with people are "soul connections" whose purpose varies according to lessons needed to learn or karmic experiences to experience. A favorite author and regression hypnotist, Dick Sutphen, talks of different types of soul mates, too. One lesson I have learned is, not all "soul connections" we may feel are actually sexual or romantic. Because we may have a strong soul connection with someone, I think we sometimes feel we are in love with them, when, maybe what we feel is really a different type of love. Maybe they were a close friend, brother, sister, child or parent in another incarnation. Those relationships can still be romantic in this incarnation, but, sometimes we end up in a relationship which really feels more like a sibling or good friend.  I think that when we feel a strong connection to someone, we should not immediately assume it is sexual attraction and try to be open and realistic about what we are really feeling towards them.  Just because we feel close or connected, it doesn't necessarily mean we are meant to be lovers.

I have always yearned for someone who shares my interests so we could enjoy doing things together. That is probably the Libra me, always wanting to "partner up" with someone. I seem to feel I can't really enjoy things without someone special by my side. Yet, my Aquarius moon, or something else maybe, makes me crave alone time to do my creative stuff, painting, writing, etc.

Anyway, I once found a really smart and interesting man who seemed to be so much like me. Well, we did love the cats that found their way to us, enjoyed living in the country, taking Nature walks and listening to music on state of the art equipment. But, he had some abusive traits. I spent most of our time together trying to figure out how to escape, get out on my own. I also confronted him on everything. When I finally moved out, we became good friends, hanging around, going for walks, etc. He accompanied me to see a famous psychic and she said, without my asking, that our relationship was not really a sexual one, we were too much alike. Hmm. I could see it was true.

Another crazy infatuation I had was totally based on some kind of "chemistry" we had and on my romantic imagination building a lot out of nothing. Again, a psychic/astrologer friend of my mother's in AZ, said it was just a physical relationship and he would only hurt me. I knew that well enough and it helped me admit it to myself and see things as they really were. I quit going to see him, and he seldom bothered to come to me, so it ended. Many months later, in a moment of boredom or lonliness, I called him to see how he was doing and he acted so happy to hear from me and so in love with me. He invited me to go out for dinner. He asked me where I had gone. I told him I didn't go anywhere, I just stopped coming to see him. He admitted that was true, he was sorry, etc. It didn't change anything. I am fond of all the people I have known and been privileged to be involved with. I have experienced and learned so much. And, now that I know myself better, (!) I am truly amazed that anyone could put up with me!

Now, if I feel a strong connection to someone, I realize it probably just means we had some kind of relationship in another incarnation. Don't always assume it is your SOUL MATE. Just relax and stay open, don't get in a rush to make something happen. I tend to think of relationships in terms of a beginning, middle and an end. I feel a little more removed from the emotional throes of that belief in ONE TRUE LOVE. I begin seeing all relationships as a process that has some purpose such as providing an opportunity to learn to be a better person, or re-do past mistakes. That makes it difficult to feel there really is some kind of SUPER LOVE out there. But, of course, I hope there is. It would be so nice. I love all the joys of living (most of the time!) and I am thankful for all the people I have known and learned with and from. Be nice to each other and appreciate the good stuff.

The White Cliffs of Dover-Does that kind of love really exist?

Well, I happened upon an Irene Dunne movie this morning on Turner Classic Movies and soon found myself hooked into watching it. Let me just say, they make a big deal about how young and beautiful many celebs look while getting into their 40's but, Irene Dunne was in her late 30's and 40's in her best-known movies and could pass, as she did in this move, for someone in their 20's. Who could resist Irene Dunne falling for a handsome Lord in England back in about 1915 or so.


I admit, it was partly the architecture of his country manor home that kept my interest. A cheap way to travel to the English countryside and back in time. Love history so always love to take in the details of the scenery in old movies. The Manor home had a room with a beautiful wall of tall windows that rose up probably 30 feet with pretty little arches above each tall window. Gorgeous.
What also caught my interest, as it always does, was that unshakable conviction they each had that they were meant to be together. She resisted falling for him but really wanted to be with him and he just knew she was the one even though he had never fallen for anyone before. I love that idea that there is someone who was meant for each of us. Come good or bad, someone meant to share it with you (or in less evolved relationships, cause it for you, ha, ha). Yah, I have been there too, and know it is not funny, but, I embrace all the myriad experiences I have had. Think about it. At the end of your life or just after, would you want to look back on it and see you had lots and lots of rich and different life experiences to help you learn all kinds of things and know all kinds of people or would you want a simple, safe life with little variety in experiences. Sounds too forgetable and I don't want a forgetable life.

This movie did a convincing job of showing this super strong, true love, but of course he died young as did their son and his ancestors who always joined the army and got killed. That was the story. Again, I wonder about any love, real or fiction that starts out really intense. Can it be maintained over the years? Or, like so many do, will the relationship become more like roommates, old friends, brother and sister, or just house-mates? I know many marriages last many years, I also know many of them are nothing I would wish on anyone! I also know some really are always great because the couple have some kind of very mature respect and appreciation for each other. They really like each other. How many people can maintain any kind of relationship with anyone where they manage to really like each other over many years??

Well, maybe it is a little like the way I feel about one of my good friends in North Carolina. She is smart enough to cultivate friendships and I was lucky enough to become friends with her. I am the worst friend ever though because I am so self-absorbed! I have a hard time finding time for friends and I admit, ever since childhood, I found friends are people who turn on you for no reason but to entertain themselves, or who are as demanding of your time and loyalty as a lover. I do not like demanding people and find it hard enough to just maintain daily without having to answer to the expectations of demanding people. My girlfriend is not at all demanding. And, through differences and through moves that take her farther and farther away across the country, still puts up with me and with not hearing from me for months. She is always there for me when I need someone to talk to. We have our differences but, we seem to be able to ignore that and have fun anyway. We can still laugh. That, I guess, is what a good marriage might be like. I have never known because I have always run away from relationships as soon as I had the feeling the person was not really what I envisioned as my life partner. I think you have to throw out those ideals you have about what your perfect partner would be like and just let your heart lead you. Even in the movies they show over and over again how what you think you want is seldom what is right for you. Like the recent movie, Valentine's Day, Ashton Kutcher thought he wanted to marry his live-in girlfriend but that forced everyone to realize they really weren't right for each other and the one he really loved was his best friend who had been there all along.

Unfortunately, I live in my imagination too much and I can imagine much more when alone than when "confined" by a relationship. (This, I know, is my own limiting thinking and I should be able to be all that I can be, anywhere, but, I guess I have always felt the most freedom when alone). Again, probably not necessarily a good thing to have the freedom to imagine all kinds of stupid things, probably none of which are based in reality! I am emotionally detached enough (Libra, and lots of Virgo and Aquarius) to not know how deep my feelings really are usually, and I am often surprised after a separation by the realization that I was more attached than I realized. Yet I, being a Libra, have always longed for someone to do all the things I love with me. Like, holding hands, walking in the country, exploring nature, enjoying the lake, traveling, etc. Someone who loves the person I am. I always thought that meant someone who liked all the same things I like. But, I have found that someone who likes all the same things I like often feels more platonic, like my twin. Then again, I believe in reincarnation or something like that and I have felt a very strong "soul" connection to some people and sometimes that feels platonic or familial while still causing a strong, comforting pull to me to want to be near them. It is easy to confuse that strong, comforting attraction for a sexual or romantic attraction rather than a friendship or family type of connection. I think you have to really turn inward to your wise inner self and examine how you really see that possible relationship. If people would do that more, I think they would realize many relationships were meant to be platonic not romantic. Then again, maybe certain life lessons had to be learned in the structure of a romantic relationship. And, at the extreme end of my cynicism, maybe "romantic" relationships are always based on illusion and projected desires anyway! So, I am skeptical of these movie loves that are so all-consuming. But, I suspect that during harder times, people had to sort out what was important and zero in on the relationships that were really true and real. So, maybe relationships were that intense. In our privileged society today, I think we "dally" in this and that too much and don't act with that sense of impending doom that would make our choices more intense and real. No wasting years with the first charming guy we meet, but an automatic, shrewd evaluating of each possible relationship so as to be more aware of what is really important to us.

Bottom line, though, I believe the one that you choose has to make your heart zing! And, you have to respect and admire them. But, what do I know?! I have never mastered the long-term relationship and seem to attract other dysfunctional types like myself. So, I think a lot but still KNOW nothing!! That is life and in my opinion, the way life should be. REMEMBER to stay open in life to the possibility that you don't know anything! That way you can be open to new joys, new wisdom and to the inner growth that comes with seeing that you only thought you knew something before you realized that everything you thought you knew was all wrong and you actually know nothing!!

The Bridges of Madison County and The Facts of Life

Hello all you brave people who are willing to think about the meaning of love and relationships and all that. I have been studying on this and trying to come to some hard and fast conclusions for my whole life!! And I am unable to come up with any absolutes! Every individual is different and every given moment of anyone's life is a magical, big NOW that is like a whole universe wrapped up in a moment, and therefore, worthy of any value that the person FEELS is REAL. Who am I or anyone else to say my belief about love is more valid than someone else's experience. Not possible. I admit it. I will muse about my observations, possible common experiences or generalizations that may or may not sometimes apply to love or relationships in general.

I was driven to write about this because I watched the dvd summary of Bridges of Madison County again last night and once again, (unlike my significant other), felt a little annoyed that this fabulous movie portrayal of a love affair seems to suggest that this brief encounter is a love that transcends all other loves. Here I am, thinking, yeah right-just try to keep them together for the long haul.  (I know the analysis of the movie and book say it is more about the roles that these two people cannot excape and how this great love affair is a kind of outlet for that frustration---or something like that, and I would agree more with that, but, my guy acts like this is the best love story on earth and I resent that, darn it!!  Hence the annoyance I begin to feel that this is really a great portrayal of true love. I am not so sure.  I must admit, I find myself suddenly remembering some scene from the movie months and years later.  That is my idea of a good movie-one that sticks with you and that makes you keep remembering parts of it throughout the years.

Just like the would be lovers, Bob Hope and Lucille Ball in one of my favorite movies, The Facts of Life, I tend to think that if Francesca and Robert could have stayed together in Bridges of Madison County, they would quite likely become fed up with each other's idiosyncrasies and split after a few years.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  But, the point is, we all know of someone, maybe ourselves even, who leaves someone because they think they have found true love with someone else, only to find that, after getting to know their new love better and sharing all the trials and stresses of daily life, they realise they really don't have all that much in common and they can't quite remember why they thought they were so madly in love. So what exactly was that crazy bit of delusion that took them over??

I vacillate between thinking it is all delusion, and, maybe for some, it just might be the REAL THING.  It could be delusion--just needy humans, hungry for that divine feeling of being totally loved and wanted no matter what, that they PROJECT all that they ever desired in a true love, ONTO their image of that person they imagine exists, or the person they have found to "be in love with" and they "love" all these fabulous things about their love, not realizing, that those "things" only exist in their own imagination. Then, one day, they see the not-so-wonderful reality of their "true love" and realize that none of the great qualities they saw in them, really existed.

Or, you hear of a few people who seem to have a wonderful, deep, committed relationship for all thier lives and you have to ask yourself, "uh, maybe, some people actually manage to find a partner like none I have ever known--something truly special--where they actually REALLY love each other-care about each other, want their partner to be happy, are interested in what their partner thinks, says, likes to do, just because they really love them and really care what they think and like. Uh, sorry, not sure I have known any males like that. They usually begin by appearing to be like that, only to reveal ulterior motives were behind their great devotion.

Of course, lots more we all could say on that, including that even the basist motivations could hide what might be a genuinely caring person, just one like so many, who is not great with expressing deep feelings, or like me, not even sure what they are!